Glitter on the Page

I always found myself drawn to the literary scene. Coffee shops were just beginning to pop up in the '90s and despite my distaste for coffee at the time, I would try to catch the latest book readings or slam poetry sessions whenever I could. I tried to fit the scene: blue jeans, white top and a black blazer, or just a black long sleeved turtleneck. I carried my laptop and notebooks in my messenger bag. And black leather boots. Even though it was a warm island night, always the boots. I loved those boots. I was such a lit nerd with them. Made me feel so grown up - not the third-year in college that I really was.

My notebooks were filled with random poems and attempts at short stories. My dream to write a novel was quickly thwarted by my juvenile attempts at character development and lack of an imaginative plot. I couldn't think of anything "new." Everything had already been done and I just felt like a copycat.  I dreamed of being a writer. Being one of those people behind the table at the bookstores, signing my name on the very first page of a brand new book. I bathed myself with thoughts of my words reaching hundreds, if not thousands, of people. My words. The words I had the courage to write.

But that's just it. Courage.

When it came time to write, my words became monotonous. They lost feeling. Everything felt very...factual. It seemed so forced that I couldn't write anymore. The words that danced in my head, could not find their way to the page. Occasionally, I could muster a sprinkling of them in my poetry - but only for a short while and only in little bursts. But even those little glitters got lost among the dry words that surrounded them.  I was a writer who couldn't write.  Not the way I wanted to.

My love for writing was born when I was in eighth grade after I lost a loved one. I had trouble processing the events and my English teacher encouraged me to write the story of what had happened. My hand ached from furiously writing down every moment I could remember, but some things I couldn't because I had already started to block them out. There were no computers back then, so all my words lived on the paper - even if they were crossed out, or squished between sentences, they were there. As I recalled the moments of the event, tears began streaming down my face and dripped onto the lined paper, splattering them and smudging them just a bit, as if they were trying to create art with my words.  I remember writing through swollen eyes and before each blink to release the tears, the words seemed to dance on the page - just for a moment. Although I didn't understand it then, my path was being shown to me - just for a moment. Even though I didn't know Him then, He was there. And I saw Him.  Just for a moment.

I continued writing, but it was not very well according to academic standards. I lacked the extensive vocabulary expected of me at my high school, and I scored very low on my SAT Verbals. I shrugged off the idea that writing was for me. Maybe it wasn't. I was meant to be something different. Towards the end of high school and into my Freshman year of college, I had pretty much avoided any course that expected massive amounts of reading, writing, and analysis. My brain just wasn't wired for it.

Then life dealt me another blow right before I turned 20. Again, a loss of a loved one. Again, trouble processing. Again, I picked up the pen. The words poured out of me. Like water bursting through a broken dam, they gushed recklessly and without direction. They needed to get out. They had been cooped up for so long. And then the raging river reduced itself to a trickle.  I was all out. Much like how I had felt with my life at the time, I was done. I didn't want to hurt anymore so I shut it off again. But this time, it was just for a moment. Because what I realized during that storm, was the surge of power hidden in my words. And I knew it was meant for something greater.  If I could just find it again.

So there I was sitting in a coffee shop. Sipping on hot cocoa, pretending it was coffee. In my literary boots. Listening to an author reading his words. Trying to find my own rhythm. Trying to find my own words. But as hard as I tried, they were only revealed to me in small moments - like tears on the page. Although I didn't understand it then, I needed to do one more thing before I could tame the raging river inside of me.

Until tomorrow, my friends.

~ Jenn

This is Day 3 and 4 of my 500+ Word Challenge. (I wrote 1000+ words! Lol.) Please excuse the rawness and any errors in the text. Today was my first day back at work today after a two week-long Spring Break, and my writing window is short. Not to mention my stamina is a bit low as well. I'm considering this work as a two-in-one special since I took yesterday off because of the holiday. I spent the day with my family and friends and had the opportunity to witness my son lead worship at our home church, Christ Centered Community Church (C4), here in Honolulu. I was surprised to see this story emerge from me this evening, and I hope to continue it tomorrow, or maybe another day when I have the energy and focus to write it properly, as it deserves to be. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter Sunday, spent with family and friends, and I look forward to the next time we meet. If you feel compelled to leave a comment, feel free to do so below. Of you can always shoot me an email at jennniferltanaka@gmail.com. Aloha.

Goal Setting: Finding My Direction

As I embark on this 500+ word per day challenge, I realize that there are two ways to go about this:

1. I could ramble on for 500 words each day and leave it at that. Kind of a "just wing it" sort of approach.  Or, I could..

2. Strategically plan out my posts (not over-obsessively, although I may get to that point from time to time) and have an idea of what I'd like to write about as I begin each day or week. Think "themes" or "hot topics".

I'm kind of leaning towards the latter, although I love the spontaneity of being able to just wing it, or being able to just go with the flow. I'm actually using this challenge as a way to develop my writing skills and to be able to figure out what direction I'd like to take my blog.

You see, I'm a teacher, a learner, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a dreamer, a realist, a Christian, and a science geek. I love reading. I love writing. And as somewhat of an introvert, I feel comfortable sharing my life in this setting - where I don't really have to "see" my audience. Overall, I hope that sharing my life experiences cause people to laugh, to think, to be happy, to be honest with themselves, to be able to face the tough times, to be welcomed, to know they are not alone, to know that they are loved, and most of all to be inspired to take action.

If I could wrap that up and present it to you with a neat bow, that would be my dream gift to you.

But life is not perfectly wrapped up with a nice neat bow. Life is messy. I promise you there will be things falling out of that gift box. The wrapping paper will be torn in places (possibly where my kids stuck their fingers into the "soft parts") and there may be wrinkles and coffee, tea, milk, or water stains in certain areas. And when you open the box, you will probably find some broken things in there. Some pieces were glued perfectly back together and you can hardly notice the cracks, but some others may be more obvious as they are missing some fine shards and are chipped and rough. You may find some other pieces, hastily refastened using pieces of Scotch tape ready to fall apart again at any moment. Some of you might be keen enough to look so closely you  find those broken pieces that I tried to hide under the nicer things. Those I try to keep hidden for they are not meant to be seen, but they are still a part of me. Waiting to be fixed.

That is the basis of my writing. On Day 2 of this writing challenge, we are encouraged to write down our goals for this challenge. Through it, what do we want to accomplish. Well, friends, what I want is this:

To be able to give this gift to you through my words.  And it is with a humble heart that I hope you accept it.

~Jenn

Hello Again!

Aloha Friends!

I know it's been a while since I've last posted and lots of great things have been going in my personal life, and I'd love to share all of that with you, but I'll try not to overwhelm you with any mundane details. One of the wonderful things I'll be doing is resurrecting this blog after a several month hiatus. After resetting my priorities as a full-time working mom of three, I have been working on ways to get in touch with what God's purpose is for me. I love spending time with my family, but I have also been called to look for those "little things" that is planted for us to find each and every day. Some people call them "small moments," and some people call them "lovelies." There are millions of these just waiting to be discovered, and I love to look for them, find them, and share them with the world through photography and through my words.

Writing is one of the blessings that I have in this busy life, and sometimes I feel like it's just for me. It not only helps me to relax and process events in my life, but I love the challenge of this craft and I'm looking forward to honing it and fine tuning it in an effort to best convey the words that God wants me to write. I have been enjoying reading books and blogs by fellow authors who are also called to write and to share their stories in an effort to inspire others. Like them, my goal is to be obedient and to work on this blessing that God has given me and to see where this goes. 

In fact, I'll happy to let you know that I've accepted a challenge to write 500+ words per day for the next 31 days. This means that if I can stay true to this challenge, you'll be hearing from me for a whole month straight!  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunate, depending on your perspective), my writing this month will be raw and for the most part unedited. If you feel like joining in on the challenge, or would like to give it a shot, you can check out this link to learn more.

Another great resource I have discovered is Hope*Writers. I love having access to some great writers who have gone through all of the challenges and triumphs that I hope to go through myself in order to become the writer I'm meant to be. The site was created by and maintained by a great team of mentors, who specialize in not only blog writing, but in the areas of tech support, book proposals, webinars, and it is a safe place for people just like me - and maybe you - who just want to become better writers.

I'm so excited to see what's in store for me, and I'd love for you to come along on the journey! Please comment below if you'd like to connect!  Until tomorrow, my friends! 

~Jenn